When Your Mind Says ‘Yes!’ But Your Heart Says ‘No…’

 

What then?

It’s usually the other way around, right? You’re totally in love with someone but your brain is screaming ‘He’s so wrong for you, he’s a liar, he’s a cheater, he’s a (insert attribute here)’ and usually you end up listening to your heart and wishing you hadn’t. Not this time.

Let me tell you something personal. Recently I’ve been in… well, a bit of an emotional rut. I can’t actually fall for someone. Not ‘won’t,’ not ‘don’t want to,’ but ‘can’t.’ I’ve dated people who have been great, but I just can’t get into that ‘crush’ phase. I can’t go ‘He’s cute… I LIKE him!’

The thing is, I USED to be able to like people. I used to even love people – the wrong people. I would get too attached and be the girl every guy hates – the clingy, picky, needy, haranguing witch. Okay, I was fifteen. I’d never been in a relationship before, I had serious social issues as well as mental health issues, I didn’t like myself, and I was very, very stupid. Later I got into another relationship with someone I fell hard for, who treated me like garbage. I spent five months putting up with it because I loved him and thought that, after being the horrible girlfriend I was in my first relationship, this was payback – I deserved it.

Now I can’t seem to feel it with people. I can meet the coolest guy ever, someone who three years ago I would have fallen for instantly, and just think ‘He’s cool.’ What happened? Well, I figured I’d just live with it. Never get married, have a killer job, maybe travel, and put those dreams of having a kid or two behind me. No big deal, right?

It’s become a big deal.

Even though there’s a very good chance that the target of this next paragraph will READ this, which of course is horribly embarrassing, I’m going to write it anyway. I’d probably just TELL him all this later, and it’s better he read it then sit through me trying to explain it in words. I’m unimaginably bad at telling people how I feel (just ask my mom) and it usually sounds very stupid, unintelligible, or I will get through with it realizing that I didn’t actually say what I was trying to say at all!

So anyway, for those of you that don’t know me, I’m a big nerd. Superheroes, video games, lots of books, you know, nerd stuff. I love going to tea places and I love foreign food. I love hanging out in bookstores with my anime pile here on the left, and my cultural/religious pile on the right. I’m like a hipster gone horribly wrong.

Because of my little romantic quandary, now is not a good time to meet someone awesome. I mean, wouldn’t that suck? You meet someone who is mostly perfect only to have to tell him that you can’t even love him? That’s more horrible for ME than it is for HIM! Having to do that would be an absolute NIGHTMARE.

Except that it did, and I did.

He’s a nerd. He likes superheroes and video games. He’s socially capable enough to go out into the world, and he wants me to go with him. He’s honest and he’s the only person I’ve ever met that I’m 100% sure would never ever lie to me, or hurt me intentionally. He’s patient and is always thinking of ways to help me. When I have a problem, he has a solution. I know that if I ever was upset about anything, he’d be there, listening… and probably thinking of a solution!

GOD DAMN IT.

This WOULD happen to me. And it pisses me off! What am I supposed to do? Ask him to wait around until I fix this little problem? I can’t do that! And the worst part is, he probably would wait – he’s probably waiting anyway!  It’s certainly incentive for me to find out what the devil is wrong with me – and fast! Is it my social issues catching up with me? The latent inferiority complex that stuck around since elementary school, finally wheedling its way back into my brain? Is it the jackass I dated last time? Something I haven’t even thought of?

My rational mind says ‘Do NOT let this guy get away!’ but my heart apparently took a vacation, because I’m not getting any responses from it. If it were just this guy I’d say it’s him, but it’s not – I haven’t felt this way about anyone for a while, save my non-romantic relationships like family.

…I’m dreading hitting ‘Publish’ on this one. Posting my personal feelings is always something I regret later, because I’m always convinced that people think I’m a dumbass. It bothers me that people are thinking about me, judging me.  But why the hell not, right? Maybe all you loonies out there on teh interwebz have some sort of advice about this situation? Maybe? Please?

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About Darcie

I'm a 21 year old nerd girl who's trying to find out what she wants and how to get it! I'm a shy, stressed-out loner struggling with real issues like weight, health, and crossing the deep, dark chasm that divides youth and adulthood. Are you nerd enough to decipher the endless stream of 1's and 0's that make up mah brainzz? As I always say... We'll see! View all posts by Darcie

One response to “When Your Mind Says ‘Yes!’ But Your Heart Says ‘No…’

  • Jaime

    I applaud you for hitting “Publish.” I know how scary it is to put your thoughts & feelings out there for anyone to see. But I find it does help–either I feel better afterwards for getting something off my chest, or someone responds in a way I don’t like and I get to practice trying to be calmer & more composed! Win-win.

    As for the love bit, I got nuthin. I know how this issue has been weighing on you for quite a while now, though. I wish I could help. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing (from yourself and/or others) that when you meet “the one” you will know it. I still kinda believe that, but I also believe you can learn to love a person over time. Just practice patience and see what happens. If that person can be patient, too, then that’s awesome. And if not, well then there’s always later. No decision made today can’t be unmade later. Ok, some maybe, but even if you “lose” someone now, you can always reach out to him when the time is better and hope it’s good then for him too.

    Love you! And yay for blogging! You’re a great writer.

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