Gray Walls, Black Borders

Welcome to my cave!

I live in a little cubby-hole of gray walls and charcoal trim. There’s a loft bed with a cluttered desk under it, covered with candles, jewelry, dystopian fiction, video game disks without cases, and highlighters.  In the corner there’s a TV and on a shelf two betta fish swim idly in their bowls, flaring at each other angrily as they pass one another. It would seem a little dark in the room if it weren’t for the hideous pink carpet, trampled down by eight years worth of feet so what must have once been plush and comfy now looks like a cotton candy stand gone horribly wrong.

I hate that damn carpet.

The cave doesn’t see many guests. I spend most of the hours in my day hiding in the shadowy recess my loft bed creates, typing away here on my computer. I’ve always liked to be alone – I don’t much like being forced to go out and ‘have fun’ (Insert air quotes here! Fun for you isn’t fun for me!) because my fun is nerd fun – internet memes, Tosh.0, English-subbed anime on the internet, and copious amounts of video games.

If you want to know anything about me, you can learn most of it from my cave.  Is this starting to sound like an emo blog? I don’t mean for it to. In all, I’m pretty cheery! I have FUN living in my cave by myself – not fake, denial fun, but real fun! I just like being by myself and the way I am in general. I wasn’t always that way, so if we’re counting, I’m ahead.

This isn’t to say I’m worry-free, of course.

I struggle with the same basic things every day. My weight and my health has been a recent concern, which I’ll elaborate on later. My enormous desire to learn new and interesting things vs. my fear of going out and actually DOING it. My relationship issues and strange inability to actually care for another human being in a romantic way. My solitary nature, and whether or not that’s okay or normal. My vague interest in whether or not I should care what other people think about said solitary nature.

Most of all, though, it’s my struggle for a sense of purpose. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I know what interests me, what I love, but I don’t know what to do as a career, how to stay motivated, and how to deal with the anxiety disorder that’s plagued me since my young teen years. I live with my parents and I haven’t gotten far on the college circuit. I want to have a career, move on with my life, and generally make the people I care about proud, but right now I don’t know what I want and my biggest stressor of all is just that – the fear that I’ll never go anywhere, never do anything, and that people will think I’m a big waste.

So there you have it! I laid it all out. I think a lot of things every day, and I’m going to put it all down right here! Think I’ve got enough blog material? I do.

All that said, I hereby announce that I am taking the challenge! What is the challenge, you ask? Well, tune in next time…


About Darcie

I'm a 21 year old nerd girl who's trying to find out what she wants and how to get it! I'm a shy, stressed-out loner struggling with real issues like weight, health, and crossing the deep, dark chasm that divides youth and adulthood. Are you nerd enough to decipher the endless stream of 1's and 0's that make up mah brainzz? As I always say... We'll see! View all posts by Darcie

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